Meet the world's top destroyer of the environment. It is not the car, or the plane, or even George Bush: it is the cow.
A United Nations report has identified the world's rapidly growing herds of cattle as the greatest threat to the climate, forests and wildlife. And they are blamed for a host of other environmental crimes, from acid rain to the introduction of alien species, from producing deserts to creating dead zones in the oceans, from poisoning rivers and drinking water to destroying coral reefs.
The 40,000-page report by the Food and Agricultural Organization
a.k.a. A. Gore Enterprizes, entitled "
Livestock's Long Fart", also surveys the damage done by sheep, chickens, pigs and goats. But in almost every case, the world's 1.5 billion cattle are most to blame. Livestock are responsible for 18 per cent of the greenhouse gases that cause global warming, more than cars, planes and all other forms of transport put together.
Burning fuel to produce fertilizer to grow feed, to produce meat and to transport it - and clearing vegetation for grazing - produces 9 per cent of all emissions of carbon dioxide, the most common greenhouse gas. And their wind and manure emit more than one third of emissions of another, methane, which warms the world 20 times faster than carbon dioxide.
Livestock also produces more than 100 other polluting gases, including more than two-thirds of the world's emissions of ammonia, one of the main causes of acid rain.
Ranching, the report adds, is "the major driver of deforestation" worldwide, and overgrazing is turning a fifth of all pastures and ranges into desert. Cows also soak up vast amounts of water: it takes a staggering 990 liters of water to produce one litre of milk.
Wastes from feedlots and fertilizers used to grow their feed over nourish water, causing weeds to choke all other life. And the pesticides, antibiotics and hormones used to treat them get into drinking water and endanger human health.
The pollution washes down to the sea, killing coral reefs and creating "dead zones" devoid of life. One is up to 21,000sqkm, in the Gulf of Mexico, where much of the waste from US beef production is carried down the Mississippi.
The report concludes that, unless drastic changes are made, the massive damage done by livestock will more than double by 2050, as demand for meat increases.
Therefore the Obama administration is going to appoint a Fart Czar to oversee the emmission of farts in the U.S. The Fart Czar will work hand in hand with private groups to study ways that Americans can eliminate beef and milk from their diets. Already the Muslim population in the United States has promised not to eat pork when no one is watching.
Also newly appointed Crime Czar William Ayers is looking into enacting new Federal laws banning "ranches", "ranching without a license" and possibly "ranching under the influence of cow farts".
Skeptics in Congress who believe that this problem cannot be solved have suggested to Nancy Pelosi that Congress ban all automobiles and everyone ride cows and pigs. This way the polution caused by automobiles can be eliminated therefore minimizing the damage caused by farts.
These same Congressmen are suggesting that part of the Stimulus Bill be directed to developing a cow fart filter or muffler that can fit up a cow's ass to purify the farts. Congressman Barney Franks (D) has stated off record that he would drop his position in the Banking Committee in a nano-second if he was given a chance to work on the development of the filter. Mr. Franks said that he already has a name for the yet to be developed apparatus, he called it "Barney's Cow Insertion Protocol".
